I sat on the terrace savouring the most tranquil hour of my day. A mug of tea by my side sent up tendrils of steam as I reminisced about the past. Echoes reverberated in my subconscious bringing into focus bitter sweet memories. I relived them with a tear in my eye and a smile on my lips till I realised that I was getting late for work. I had to put on a brisk manner along with my crisp cotton sari and do the rounds of the hospital. After all, I wasn’t just a vulnerable woman coming to terms with the hollowness of her existence. I had a prefix to my name that gave me a lot of respect and responsibility. I had patients who trusted me with their lives. It could not let them down, though life had betrayed my trust. I would continue as before though something deep within had changed.

Whereas I had swum like a fish within the womb of life, I now emerged from it like a lotus from a pond—attached yet curiously detached. It was a resigned sort of detachment, as if nothing mattered anymore. For long, weary years, I had fought for a place under the sun. It did not seem worth the effort anymore. The sword of resistance clattered to the floor and I wore an armour of indifference over my broken spirit. The mirrors of my past and present juxtaposed and I saw endless Amritas reflected over and over again till eternity. I shuddered involuntarily. The moment passed and my shoulders sagged.

By worldly standards, my life was a success but who could see the undercurrents beneath the surface calm? My husband and lover still fought lethal cold wars over me, my son despised me. Everything was as it was before. It was the battle within that was over. The fire had burnt down, the ash swept out leaving behind an empty hearth and heart.

For one who believed that to feel was to live, this was akin to death but it mattered no more. Every single person who had been allowed to enter the sanctum sanctorum had violated it. Barred and bolted now, the ‘I’ within had become inviolate. Freed of the shackles of hope and expectations, desire and disappointments, I felt cleansed, cleansed of love and the hate that love bred over and over again. It would be a joyless existence, but my priorities had changed. No longer did I crave happiness. A healing nothingness, a welcome void was what I wanted at this point of time and for that I would have to look inwards. No one else could give me that.